Okay some of you may be wondering what the hell I could possibly be writing about with this title on it. I’ve had a bit of writers block recently and all I’ve wanted to write about was what I’m going to be writing about in a second (I know this is a bit of rambling – bear with me) but I kept putting it off. I was saying to myself ‘This can wait, don’t write about it right now.’ but I knew inside that if I didn’t write it now, I never would, so I’m writing this at 11pm – excuse any mistakes. I also talked to a couple people about it but they were very supportive.
A lot of people I know, particularly on facebook have taken interest in a photograph I posted recently. It was posted the day I got my glasses. I was looking through old photographs (Something I do a lot in my spare time) and I found an old picture of my mother with upside-down glasses and grinning like a Cheshire cat. If any of you had known my mother before you all would have known that she hates having her picture taken and that’s why there’s very few pictures for me to hold onto her with. It made me smile so much I had to take a picture of myself, wearing my glasses and do the same thing. I felt so much like her it made me so happy and made me think ‘Jesus after all this, it’s really coming together now isn’t it?’. So in my head, the picture was like a mirror, of my mother then and me now. The whole picture meant how connections between those who are gone can be sparked in the little things in life, like buying new glasses and seeing someone that looked like your mum in your reflection.
Now for the sad part, nearly ten years ago my mother passed away. Her anniversary was actually a couple days ago when I wanted to write this, but I decided not to, the approach would have been much more depressing and sad. A way I don’t like to do things!
I was nine years old and barely understood the concept of death because I had never lost anyone close to me. She had leukaemia for nearly three long years. When I think now, three years isn’t that long. However, during childhood, it is. But this isn’t the point, the point of this is how I keep my head up and this post is to inspire those who have lost someone close that it does get better.
My mother was an amazing person; I know everyone says that about people who are dead but this woman was wonderful. She made me believe in myself and to always try my best to make someone else’s day. It’s tough being like that all the time but somehow she managed it just fine. She always made me embrace the small things in life – something I continue to do now – and enjoy everything and take every opportunity. I don’t know how but she taught me so much in such a small space of time. She was the person who always looked at the bright side of life (Seriously, she loved that scene in Monty Python: The Holy Grail – if you haven’t seen it, do it, you’re missing out!) when she shaved her head while she was going through chemo, she joked with my brother and myself saying she looked like Gollum from Lord of The Rings back when it was just out in cinemas. Seriously, how cool is that?!
I’ll tell you a little story that makes me get up every single morning (well… most mornings, I’m not a brilliant morning person!) with a smile. When my mother was ill, now I mean very ill, the stage patients get to when they know they’re dying and are counting their last days. She was helping dyslexic children in my primary school using systems on computers to aid them. All my friends in the class who had dyslexia said she was the nicest teacher they ever had, she was always patient even when she was really tired and wanted to sleep. She would stay up in the middle of the night writing letters to those she loved, she must’ve written two hundred letters to all the people she’d met throughout her life. It was incredible. She even made two memory boxes for both my brother and me, unfortunately she never got to finish mine but at the same time I don’t think it could ever have been finished. I’ve had countless memories with her. She just had this unconditional kindness and love for everyone she knew. She never spent her days angry at the world or fate or whatever it is that makes life cruel for those amazing people. She just made sure that my last month with her was unforgettable. It was unforgettable.
I’m not going to lie to you; the shitty feeling that brews inside you never really leaves because you always feel they are missing out on your life. For example, I won’t be getting ready on my wedding day with my mum, she won’t see me graduate, she won’t see my children (If I manage to find a human who actually likes me), she won’t be around to have chats with me about how shitty of a job at parenting I’m doing, she didn’t see me head off for my debs or watch me turn 18, she missed me performing in shows and singing my heart out. She’s going to miss a lot of things but on the other hand, I always feel a part of her with me and sometimes when the wind changes for just a second I can feel her presence. I know, it’s a little stupid but it gives me comfort.
I finally got to the point of this but the way I look at life is yes, it’s horrible that I lost my mum. I have my down days and my up days. One thing always remains constant, that I have learnt so much from that woman. Now Christ, before I continue I’m not saying I am 100% perfect because I’m a walking disaster! I am so much stronger now, I inherited her optimistic way of looking at things (I hope, sorry guys if I’m a depressing shite), I love life and when I see how easily life can be taken from us it makes me get up and go about my day because there are some people who would adore that have that privilege – my mother being one of them. She just inspired me to touch other people’s lives the way she touched mine and everyone in our little community.
I miss her but I know she’s always with me and for anyone who is going through shit or is dealing with a death in the family. It’s shit now and let yourself be sad about it for a little while but after that, go off and do things with your life. Make that person proud to have known you. Keep going because the only one who can control your life is you.
Sorry if this was confusing for people to read but it’s now ten to 12 and I swear this post did have a point to it. Now go off and enjoy things and have a fabulous day!! I hope I didn't upset any of you because the point of it was to know that you can be amazing too, in fact everyone can, it's what you decide to do in life that will realise that. I hope you enjoyed reading a little part of me. I didn't write this to attention seek I swear, I just had this idea in my head for a very long time and I decided to bring it about tonight. Excuse the loose planning in this post but I had a sort of impulse to write it now. My bad!
I love you Momma.
I'll always love you. Thank you for being my constant inspiration.